Marriage Had Perils from Start
If Adam and Even
were the hubby and wife that I envision, they differed in more areas
than number of ribs and fruit preferences.
If truth be told, the he and she of the first couple probably had
little in common when it came to impulse shopping.
No doubt Adam, who resembled modern men, labored long from Monday
through Friday so he could kick back on weekends and pursue his
Much like the husband at my house, he probably putzed around on
Saturdays, pushed a few leaves into a heap, and opened and shut every
draw in his work bench before finding some excuse to fire up the
pickup and head for the discount store.
Visiting one of the gargantuan sell-alls-which my French ami Augustin
Quilici lumps together under the umbrella term K-Wal-Adam surely felt
at home among bins of molly bolts, blister packs of ratcheted tools,
rows of pulsating stereo speakers, and stacks of treated 2 x 4's.
I can see him now, buggy loaded with camouflage gear, the pick of the
video rack, a few blue-light specials from the pet section, and the
latest Black & Decker buzzbomb.
Clutching plastic, he edged his way into the express lane so he could
rush home and field-test the lastest male gadgetry, be it electronic,
cordless, or AAA-operated.
Though Eve might have enjoyed a jaunt through the mall, where
philodendron-twined escalator rails and poufs of Giorgio lured her
into tonier shopping havens, Adam dug in his heels at the first sign
of Ralph Lauren.
Totally disconnected from trendy labels, kitchen boutiques, or
decanters marked "tester," Adam was fair game for more macho
emporia-the concrete-and-I-beam mega-warehouses springing up on
The First Male, completely at home among steel-framed canyons stacked
to the ceiling with cases of STP, oversized jars of GoJo, and boxes
stamped "some assembly required" in neat Korean, probably kept a scrap
on the fridge and scribbled crucial items on his want list.
I can see him now, "honey-do" sheet in hand and eye to the overhead
signboard pointing paint/hardware/lighting to left, appliances/home
decor/patio 'n pool to right.
Unable to resist a few tubes of naval jelly, a couple of hose rewinds
at end-of-season prices, and the sweetest little markdown on
wheelbarrows this side of heaven, he stalked the aisles, toting sums
on his calculator and rushing to Sam's to see if he really was as
canny a shopper as he pretended.
Back home, Adam might have had some tall explaining to do to the lady
of the house concerning his need for yet another tool chest, pegboard,
or extension cord.
Even the promise that he would salt in a few more apple trees before
winter might not have spared him time in the doghouse for succumbing
to the jazziest of chainsaws.
Somehow it's comforting to know that life for the First Couple had its
compromises and that, when it comes to weakness, the male of the
species has always had his temptations.
"Catawba Valley Neighbors,"